today was awful.

i dont even know how many times i threw up today. pretty much every single thing i ate. maybe...8 or so times? ridiculous. out of control day.

im dizzy. my allergies are really, really bad right now. or i have one brutal cold. i cant stop sneezing. my nose is a river. alternating with being so stuffed i cant blow it or breathe. my eyes are runny. i have like, 3 canker sores. my throat is swollenand hurt like a bitch. which may or may not have anything to do with being sick. my ears are hurting again.

my burn is infected.

im just so tired.

im drained. im crying with those body shaking, hair pulling, mind numbing sobs. the kind where you just want to fly off the handle and flail. because you just hurt so badly.


i feel like im not sick enough to get help. but i know that even if i didnt think that, i wouldnt anyway. i know i wont be ready to think about that until i hit my goal weight. because then maybe i wont get as fat in the end. if i gained weight now id be FUCKED. but somedays...somedays i do feel ready. ready to give all this up and face it head on. face the inital pain and difficulties for happiness in the long run. but then i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. or i step on the scale. and i cry. and i cant do it.
im sick to death of going to the gym for hours and feeling like its not enough. each time i go i up my routine a little more. because i always leave feeling fat. and i think, if i can just ride that extra mile, run that extra 10 minutes, maybe today will be the day i dont cry in the locker room. but its never enough. ever.i always feel like i need to do more. that other people are doing more than me. i dont even LIKE it anymore. i hate it. i dread it. not because its too much to handle physically, really, but because emotionally its just so draining. i look at myself the whole time i am there. checking to make sure my thighs arent touching, seeing how far out my stomach is sticking. its exhausting. somedays i dont WANT to go to the gym. but i end up there anyway. sometimes im tired.sometimes id like to take a nap, or go out with friends. today after working all day i was planning on going to the gym. instead i went to a movie with a friend. and it was such a good time. i laughed and laughed. but i feel so fat. like, how DARE i skip the gym?!

i dont understand how i can go to the gym EVERY DAY for HOURS on end, and not get thin. i dont get it. its not FAIR. thats all it comes down to lately. its just not fair. im getting so frustrated, because its not going fast enough. i just want to be beautiful. nothing i am doing is enough. i want to not hate myself. i want to not be repulsed by myself. i hate what i see in the mirror. i hate what i feel when i touch my body. i hate what i see when i look down. i cant walk by a mirror without body checking. i compare my bodywith other people all day long, no matter where i go. i feel so afraid that when someone sees me eating the yare thinking im a lard ass, how dare i eat that.

im so worn out. i want to throw in the towel and give up. but i want to feel bones. i cant give up. i just cant.

im sick and tired of not being strong. of being weak. of stuffing my face and binging. it erases all of my restricting. i clrealy dont work out enough. nothing is good enough. im so weak.


i have been having nightmares lately, about eating. i wake up not knowing what is real, terrfied that ireally DID eat the food in real life. i had one dream where i ate vanilla cream filled cookies, "Cameos" i think they are called. i can see the blue package in my mind. and when i woke up, i was so upset because i really could NOT differentiate the dream from reality. i almost went to try to make myself throw up, just to be sure.

all i SEE is fat. all i FEEL is fat. i hate it

i hate it.
its making me go psychotic. i stay up at night thinking of ways to get it off. of how i can cut it off of me.
i want it off.
if i got myself in check and got skinny id fucking feel better.

i just want to look in the mirror and like what i see. i want to feel beautiful. i want to love myself. i want to feel worthy of someone loving me.

i worked today, and felt likei kept my eating pretty much under control. after work i went to see jess. but on the way, the monster took hold. i could only think about stuffing my face. i went to mcdonalds and got an icecream cone. threw up in michaels. ah well.

i had a wonderful time with jess, though. i miss her a lot last night. lately, i just want to hold her. i miss when we had enough time to lay and relax and hold eachother. now its all so rushed and secretive.

after seeing her, i went to the gym. lately i have been tearing up while working out. i know its an emotional thing for me, but like, seriously?! who cries at the GYM! my headphones wouldnt work, so i couldnt listen to music, which i didnt find out until i had gotten on the elliptical. i was really upset. i cant do that machine without music. so i opted to compensate the calories i would have burned on the elliptical, with extra miles on the bike. after that i ran on the treadmill, and then used the stairmaster for the first time. i think im in LOVE. that thing burns calories like no one's business! i did weights, as usual...and ended with my usual crunches and some stretching. nothing majorly exciting. i feel so shittyabout myself when i am at the gym, though. like no matter how hard i work out, i wont get thinner. its frustrating. when i walk back into the locker room i always look in the mirror as i pass, and i almost always cry. i cant even stand to look at myself. i wonder if the other people at the gym think im fat, too.

after the gym i headed to sshagly. i got annoyed with licia, and i left. i also partly left because all i could think about was food. once something gets in my head, its all over. i drove like a maniac to friendlys, trying to talk myself out of it the entire way. i ended up buying a soft serve vanilla cone, with chocolate jimmies. im going to have to ban vanilla soft serve from my life. its quickly becoming a binge food. i ate it driving home, and almost crashed into a few telephone poles because i wasnt paying attention. somehow i ended up at 7 11, and i bought a cinnamon bun, an oatmeal cream pie, and vanilla icecream with strawberry sauce in it. when i was paying, i was thinking to myself, "i wonder if this girl knows. i wonder if she can tell that im twitching in anticipation of eating this stuff." the food didnt even make it until i got home. i wolfed it all down while i was driving, finished the icecream in the car, chugged some water and ran straight for the bathroom upon arriving.

it was my first real "binge" in like...over a month.

i feel disgusting. i dont know where the girl who had the strength to starve for days on end went. she needs to come back, before i get even bigger.

i feel so out of control with my eating lately. i feel like im putting on this act, like everything is better than it is. like, "oh, yeah,l i eat bagels now!!!" when in reality, yeah, i eat the bagel, but i OBSESS over eating it. i go back and look at it, pick it to death, eat it in pieces. and then i obsess over eating more food. every bite, every meal, every snack, turns into this out of control spiral of eating. eat a bite, sit down. obsessobsessobsess, eat a bite, sit down. for hours. its miserable. it cant be normal to spend this much time thinking about food. i want to be able to eat half a bagel, and be fine leaving it. or eating a whole one, if i WANT to. right now i either have to avoid it, or i eat the whole thing, even if im feeling sick. theres no middle ground.

fuck eating. im going back to how it was before. when i was losing weight.

its strange, because i know people have been talking. and i know what they are saying, but i cant see it at all. when i look in the mirror, i look exactly the same as before. bigger, even, sometimes. and yet, im hearing, "your wasting away.", "your SOOO skinny now!!!", "shes wasting away to nothing, she looks so different."

im happy to hear it, in a way, too. because i WANT to waste away to nothing. i WANT to be skinny. but id be much happier if i could see it. in my head i think that maybe they just think im skinny now because i was so FAT before.

in a random sidenote, i offered to cook my mum dinner for mother's day. i was sick on mother's day, so we decided to do it wednesday instead. well, wednesday is tomorrow. and im freaking out. im wondering if i was in a fit of temporary insanity when i offered to cook dinner. because now i amgoing to have to stay and eat it. and nothing i want to make for her for dinner is something i myself am comfortable eating. i dont think i can get out of it, though.

im so wrapped up in how out of control everything is. im so overwhelmed. so lost. so anxious. i want to write, but i just cant get the words out.

i have so much to say.

but i am at a loss for words right now.

im numb.

i wish this wasnt sideways.

Yesterday I...

spent the day with an amazing girl and amazing people.
ate vendor food.
was surrounded by rainbows and pride, and happiness.
reveled in my own unique-ness and individuality.
hugged many old friends.
screamed to my hearts content.
listened to awesome music.
got my picture taken with some fabulous "men".
walked mileeesssss.
had an italian ice.
ran around boston in the rain, in the dark.
straightened my own hair.
blew and popped bubbles.
ate when i was hungry, and what was available.
took pictures,and was okay being IN pictures.
danced just a little :).
hopped, skipped and jumped. for fun, just because i was happy.
spent time with people who upset me,without becoming upset.
stood up for myself.
stayed strong.
got my first sunburn of the summer.
helped a friend.
drove through the center of a lightening storm at midnight.
drove on the highway even though i was scared.
took a compliment.
made new friends.
held hands.kissed. loved.
loved others.
loved myself.
was confident, and happy.

Happy Youth Pride!!

i bet i forgot to write some stuff. i will most likely post a more...bloggy blog, later.

today i had to work. well, i guess since its 4 am, i mean yesterday i had to work. basic stuff, nothing fancy. cleaned the kitchen, assembled some ingredients for pizzas and cupcakes, made some calzones and some chicken parm. we rushed to weymouth around noon to deliver food for a teacher luncheon, and then stopped at hannafords to pick up last minute things for the birthday party at 6. when tara got back to the car with anna, [i stayed in the car], she brought lunch. all the sudden she hands me a turkey sandwich on this crusty roll. and im like..fuck. what the HELL am i supposed to do with this?! so i s l o w l y picked it to death. it wasnt great...i was upset about it, and miserable, because i hate that i keep being forced to eat. i didnt know what to do. it was obvious i hadnt eaten yet, so i had no excuse. so i ate it. and ruined my fast. again.

i also didnt get to go to the gym, because i didnt have a long enough break, and didnt want to drive all over because my car is shitttttt. so i had all this food in me...and no way to get it out.

we got back and i cleaned the kitchen top to bottom to get ready for the birthday party. then i went on break, and went to the mall. i got 2 shirts and a pair of jeans, and had an allergy attack. by the time i got BACK to work again, it was in full swing. sneezing every 2 minutes, red, watery eyes, nose like a faucet. fucking gross. miserable. it felt like someone was stabbing me behind the eyes with a knife, from the pressure in my head. i took some claritin, and went back to work. allergies continued, so i took some benadryl. an hour later, no relief. no benadryl. still no relief. i just dealt with it at that point.

the party we hosted was good, we taught nine 11 year old girls how to make pizza, calzones and stromboli, and sour cream cupcakes with buttercream frosting. while the pizza was cooking, they decorated the cupcakes with candy. and they ate the majority of the frosting, and the candy before it made it on the cupcakes. 11 year old girls are wild. and obnoxious. and worse when they are sugar high, let me tell you. when i took the cupcakes out, apparently i was in a bit of a benadryl stupor, because i didnt feel my arm on the over rack, and got a nice big burn. not cool. i also ate 2 cupcakes. i felt kind of sick after, truthfully, but...they did taste good. i dont feel like i lost control and binged, and i didnt purge. i wish i had not eaten any, but i did. thats normal. its normal to eat a treat sometimes, if you want it.

when i got home, i was wired from all the meds in my system. i got ready for bed, and got online for a little bit. around midnight i decided to get some rest since i had a busy day ahead of me. unfortunately, my nose was running down my face at this point, and was red and raw from blowing it so much. sleep wasnt happening. i did fall asleep around 12 30, but woke up at 3. and i have been up since. around 3 30 i started having INTENSE stomach cramps, and that led to me running into the bathroom and spending the next 15 minutes on the toilet. back to bed, and repeat. and again. maybe the cupcakes didnt agree with me? not sure. i also took another claritin and some sudafed. maybe iv overdsed on antihistamine now, and thats why im stomach is rebelling into the fucking toilet.

i cant go back to sleep. iv been up for hours now, and im SO BORED! there is nothing to do, and im going to be exhausted all day at pride, but notihng is working to get back to sleep. iv tried counting backwards, laying in different positions... my mind just wont shut off, and relax. and i have no more benadryl so i cant have a nice coma.

its odd. i feel like a lot of people with food fears fear sweets a lot more than i do. not that i dont...i dont know.

i have been thinking a lot about my food fears. i dont know how they got to be so out of control.

1. pasta. i am TERRIFIED of pasta.
2. rice.
3. bread.
4. cheese.
5. milk.
6. red meat [although i dont eat it anymore].
7. any meat besides grilled chicken, actually.
8. fried food.
9. any icecream other than low fat vanilla soft serve.
10. any fruit other than grapes and apples.
11. sugar.
12. salt.
13. vegetables other than carrots, red peppers and cucumbers.
14. olive oil!!
15. dressings, and condiments other than plain mustard, and vinegar.
16. LIQUID CALORIES. any drink besides water, really. [except for maybe 1 0 cal drink mix a day]
17. TOO much water, for fear of water weight.
18. granola.
19. any sort of nutritional "bar" type thing.
20. cream.
21. things with no calorie content label.
22. nuts.
23. potatoes.
24. butter.
25. food with more than 100 calories per serving.

i honetly feel as though there may be more than that...but not that i can think of now. the major ones are pasta, liquid calories and rice and cheese, i think.

i dont know. i feel like i will never eat some of these things again. its a scary thought. will i ever be able to go out to dinner and be comfortable? i used to love so many things. chicken fingers! pad thai! chinese food! i loved melons, and eggs, and so many wonderful things that i cant imagine eating now. i lvoed granola, and hummus, and cheerios with banana. i loved chocolate milk, even though it made me sick. i loved cheese and triscuts, smoothies. i loved so many HEALTHY things! but i also loved a bowl of icecream, some nutty butty bars. oatmeal cream pies, mcdonalds, french fries. i was probably eating well over 2000 calories a day. maybe 3000. that is so, SO many calories. too many. no wonder i was so big! i barely exercised. isat around on my big, fat ass, eating. all the time. and i was miserable. but i was happier, too. i went out with friends. i drank sometimes at parties. i allowed myself to have fun, instead of denying invites to party because of the calories in alcohol, the temptation to eat, the questions. saying no to hanging out because i NEED to go to the gym at a certain each day, and be home at a certain time, and get the maximum hours of working out without being rushed. or because i have such bad anxiety icant handle driving somewhere because my car is acting up and im terrified it will break and my life will be ruined. i miss the days where i could sit down in the morning and enjoy a cup of coffee with my mom, and be able to look her in the eyes. the days where i would come home and have 2 oreos and a glass of milk, be done, and think nothing of it. no need to binge, no need to stress about LETTING myself eat oreos. i miss the days where i didnt know that 1/4 a cup of raisons had 130 calories, or that 1 cup of peeled cucumber had 14. the days when a big mac wasnt 537 calories, but just a messy, DELICIOUS treat. a double cheeseburger was awesome because it was $1. icecream was the best when it had extra whipped cream to eat with a spoon, and caramel sauce and a cherry.

no that i ALWAYS ate shit like that. i just miss when i allowed myself to be...normal. when it was okay to sometimes eat shit. when if i ate like shit one day, i didnt think to myself, OMGGGGG i cant eat for a week!

the old days. the good days...but the fat days.

why am i FAILING so much?

after 2 days of fasting, i keep fucking up. i just ate a soft serve icecream [170], a handful of peanuts [???], an apple [80], 4 cucumber slices [2?], and like, 15 pieces of popcorn [8?].

then i sat down on my bed and realized i wanted tuna. so i used a knife to stab open a can, because i have no can opener, and ate that. [125]

then i guzzled water and threw up.

fml.

total- >500 for the day, and i burned way more than that at the gym and running, but thats so MUCH! in like, less than an hour. definately a mini binge.ugh. i dont know how many calories actually were absorbed. but im going to put it at 500 because i would rather exagerate an estimate.

this isnt helping me lose weight. its just fucking up my metabolism. i have been stuck between 176 and 179 for EVER. ill get down to 176 fasting, and then ill fuck up and eat. i need to STOP fasting, and pick a number and eat that everyday. like...150. i like 150 a lot lately. 150 calories a day, starting monday. because im going to finish this week like i planned if it kills me. im going to fast tomorrow. and saturday and sunday. and monday i will start on 150. i dont know what i will eat though. ill figure something out. and i will keep going to the gym everyday.