today was awful.
i dont even know how many times i threw up today. pretty much every single thing i ate. maybe...8 or so times? ridiculous. out of control day.
im dizzy. my allergies are really, really bad right now. or i have one brutal cold. i cant stop sneezing. my nose is a river. alternating with being so stuffed i cant blow it or breathe. my eyes are runny. i have like, 3 canker sores. my throat is swollenand hurt like a bitch. which may or may not have anything to do with being sick. my ears are hurting again.
my burn is infected.
im just so tired.
im drained. im crying with those body shaking, hair pulling, mind numbing sobs. the kind where you just want to fly off the handle and flail. because you just hurt so badly.
i feel like im not sick enough to get help. but i know that even if i didnt think that, i wouldnt anyway. i know i wont be ready to think about that until i hit my goal weight. because then maybe i wont get as fat in the end. if i gained weight now id be FUCKED. but somedays...somedays i do feel ready. ready to give all this up and face it head on. face the inital pain and difficulties for happiness in the long run. but then i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. or i step on the scale. and i cry. and i cant do it.
im sick to death of going to the gym for hours and feeling like its not enough. each time i go i up my routine a little more. because i always leave feeling fat. and i think, if i can just ride that extra mile, run that extra 10 minutes, maybe today will be the day i dont cry in the locker room. but its never enough. ever.i always feel like i need to do more. that other people are doing more than me. i dont even LIKE it anymore. i hate it. i dread it. not because its too much to handle physically, really, but because emotionally its just so draining. i look at myself the whole time i am there. checking to make sure my thighs arent touching, seeing how far out my stomach is sticking. its exhausting. somedays i dont WANT to go to the gym. but i end up there anyway. sometimes im tired.sometimes id like to take a nap, or go out with friends. today after working all day i was planning on going to the gym. instead i went to a movie with a friend. and it was such a good time. i laughed and laughed. but i feel so fat. like, how DARE i skip the gym?!
i dont understand how i can go to the gym EVERY DAY for HOURS on end, and not get thin. i dont get it. its not FAIR. thats all it comes down to lately. its just not fair. im getting so frustrated, because its not going fast enough. i just want to be beautiful. nothing i am doing is enough. i want to not hate myself. i want to not be repulsed by myself. i hate what i see in the mirror. i hate what i feel when i touch my body. i hate what i see when i look down. i cant walk by a mirror without body checking. i compare my bodywith other people all day long, no matter where i go. i feel so afraid that when someone sees me eating the yare thinking im a lard ass, how dare i eat that.
im so worn out. i want to throw in the towel and give up. but i want to feel bones. i cant give up. i just cant.
im sick and tired of not being strong. of being weak. of stuffing my face and binging. it erases all of my restricting. i clrealy dont work out enough. nothing is good enough. im so weak.
i have been having nightmares lately, about eating. i wake up not knowing what is real, terrfied that ireally DID eat the food in real life. i had one dream where i ate vanilla cream filled cookies, "Cameos" i think they are called. i can see the blue package in my mind. and when i woke up, i was so upset because i really could NOT differentiate the dream from reality. i almost went to try to make myself throw up, just to be sure.
all i SEE is fat. all i FEEL is fat. i hate it
i hate it.
its making me go psychotic. i stay up at night thinking of ways to get it off. of how i can cut it off of me.
i want it off.
if i got myself in check and got skinny id fucking feel better.
i just want to look in the mirror and like what i see. i want to feel beautiful. i want to love myself. i want to feel worthy of someone loving me.
5.14.2009
5.12.2009
i worked today, and felt likei kept my eating pretty much under control. after work i went to see jess. but on the way, the monster took hold. i could only think about stuffing my face. i went to mcdonalds and got an icecream cone. threw up in michaels. ah well.
i had a wonderful time with jess, though. i miss her a lot last night. lately, i just want to hold her. i miss when we had enough time to lay and relax and hold eachother. now its all so rushed and secretive.
after seeing her, i went to the gym. lately i have been tearing up while working out. i know its an emotional thing for me, but like, seriously?! who cries at the GYM! my headphones wouldnt work, so i couldnt listen to music, which i didnt find out until i had gotten on the elliptical. i was really upset. i cant do that machine without music. so i opted to compensate the calories i would have burned on the elliptical, with extra miles on the bike. after that i ran on the treadmill, and then used the stairmaster for the first time. i think im in LOVE. that thing burns calories like no one's business! i did weights, as usual...and ended with my usual crunches and some stretching. nothing majorly exciting. i feel so shittyabout myself when i am at the gym, though. like no matter how hard i work out, i wont get thinner. its frustrating. when i walk back into the locker room i always look in the mirror as i pass, and i almost always cry. i cant even stand to look at myself. i wonder if the other people at the gym think im fat, too.
after the gym i headed to sshagly. i got annoyed with licia, and i left. i also partly left because all i could think about was food. once something gets in my head, its all over. i drove like a maniac to friendlys, trying to talk myself out of it the entire way. i ended up buying a soft serve vanilla cone, with chocolate jimmies. im going to have to ban vanilla soft serve from my life. its quickly becoming a binge food. i ate it driving home, and almost crashed into a few telephone poles because i wasnt paying attention. somehow i ended up at 7 11, and i bought a cinnamon bun, an oatmeal cream pie, and vanilla icecream with strawberry sauce in it. when i was paying, i was thinking to myself, "i wonder if this girl knows. i wonder if she can tell that im twitching in anticipation of eating this stuff." the food didnt even make it until i got home. i wolfed it all down while i was driving, finished the icecream in the car, chugged some water and ran straight for the bathroom upon arriving.
it was my first real "binge" in like...over a month.
i feel disgusting. i dont know where the girl who had the strength to starve for days on end went. she needs to come back, before i get even bigger.
i feel so out of control with my eating lately. i feel like im putting on this act, like everything is better than it is. like, "oh, yeah,l i eat bagels now!!!" when in reality, yeah, i eat the bagel, but i OBSESS over eating it. i go back and look at it, pick it to death, eat it in pieces. and then i obsess over eating more food. every bite, every meal, every snack, turns into this out of control spiral of eating. eat a bite, sit down. obsessobsessobsess, eat a bite, sit down. for hours. its miserable. it cant be normal to spend this much time thinking about food. i want to be able to eat half a bagel, and be fine leaving it. or eating a whole one, if i WANT to. right now i either have to avoid it, or i eat the whole thing, even if im feeling sick. theres no middle ground.
fuck eating. im going back to how it was before. when i was losing weight.
its strange, because i know people have been talking. and i know what they are saying, but i cant see it at all. when i look in the mirror, i look exactly the same as before. bigger, even, sometimes. and yet, im hearing, "your wasting away.", "your SOOO skinny now!!!", "shes wasting away to nothing, she looks so different."
im happy to hear it, in a way, too. because i WANT to waste away to nothing. i WANT to be skinny. but id be much happier if i could see it. in my head i think that maybe they just think im skinny now because i was so FAT before.
in a random sidenote, i offered to cook my mum dinner for mother's day. i was sick on mother's day, so we decided to do it wednesday instead. well, wednesday is tomorrow. and im freaking out. im wondering if i was in a fit of temporary insanity when i offered to cook dinner. because now i amgoing to have to stay and eat it. and nothing i want to make for her for dinner is something i myself am comfortable eating. i dont think i can get out of it, though.
im so wrapped up in how out of control everything is. im so overwhelmed. so lost. so anxious. i want to write, but i just cant get the words out.
i had a wonderful time with jess, though. i miss her a lot last night. lately, i just want to hold her. i miss when we had enough time to lay and relax and hold eachother. now its all so rushed and secretive.
after seeing her, i went to the gym. lately i have been tearing up while working out. i know its an emotional thing for me, but like, seriously?! who cries at the GYM! my headphones wouldnt work, so i couldnt listen to music, which i didnt find out until i had gotten on the elliptical. i was really upset. i cant do that machine without music. so i opted to compensate the calories i would have burned on the elliptical, with extra miles on the bike. after that i ran on the treadmill, and then used the stairmaster for the first time. i think im in LOVE. that thing burns calories like no one's business! i did weights, as usual...and ended with my usual crunches and some stretching. nothing majorly exciting. i feel so shittyabout myself when i am at the gym, though. like no matter how hard i work out, i wont get thinner. its frustrating. when i walk back into the locker room i always look in the mirror as i pass, and i almost always cry. i cant even stand to look at myself. i wonder if the other people at the gym think im fat, too.
after the gym i headed to sshagly. i got annoyed with licia, and i left. i also partly left because all i could think about was food. once something gets in my head, its all over. i drove like a maniac to friendlys, trying to talk myself out of it the entire way. i ended up buying a soft serve vanilla cone, with chocolate jimmies. im going to have to ban vanilla soft serve from my life. its quickly becoming a binge food. i ate it driving home, and almost crashed into a few telephone poles because i wasnt paying attention. somehow i ended up at 7 11, and i bought a cinnamon bun, an oatmeal cream pie, and vanilla icecream with strawberry sauce in it. when i was paying, i was thinking to myself, "i wonder if this girl knows. i wonder if she can tell that im twitching in anticipation of eating this stuff." the food didnt even make it until i got home. i wolfed it all down while i was driving, finished the icecream in the car, chugged some water and ran straight for the bathroom upon arriving.
it was my first real "binge" in like...over a month.
i feel disgusting. i dont know where the girl who had the strength to starve for days on end went. she needs to come back, before i get even bigger.
i feel so out of control with my eating lately. i feel like im putting on this act, like everything is better than it is. like, "oh, yeah,l i eat bagels now!!!" when in reality, yeah, i eat the bagel, but i OBSESS over eating it. i go back and look at it, pick it to death, eat it in pieces. and then i obsess over eating more food. every bite, every meal, every snack, turns into this out of control spiral of eating. eat a bite, sit down. obsessobsessobsess, eat a bite, sit down. for hours. its miserable. it cant be normal to spend this much time thinking about food. i want to be able to eat half a bagel, and be fine leaving it. or eating a whole one, if i WANT to. right now i either have to avoid it, or i eat the whole thing, even if im feeling sick. theres no middle ground.
fuck eating. im going back to how it was before. when i was losing weight.
its strange, because i know people have been talking. and i know what they are saying, but i cant see it at all. when i look in the mirror, i look exactly the same as before. bigger, even, sometimes. and yet, im hearing, "your wasting away.", "your SOOO skinny now!!!", "shes wasting away to nothing, she looks so different."
im happy to hear it, in a way, too. because i WANT to waste away to nothing. i WANT to be skinny. but id be much happier if i could see it. in my head i think that maybe they just think im skinny now because i was so FAT before.
in a random sidenote, i offered to cook my mum dinner for mother's day. i was sick on mother's day, so we decided to do it wednesday instead. well, wednesday is tomorrow. and im freaking out. im wondering if i was in a fit of temporary insanity when i offered to cook dinner. because now i amgoing to have to stay and eat it. and nothing i want to make for her for dinner is something i myself am comfortable eating. i dont think i can get out of it, though.
im so wrapped up in how out of control everything is. im so overwhelmed. so lost. so anxious. i want to write, but i just cant get the words out.
5.11.2009
5.10.2009
i wish this wasnt sideways.Yesterday I...
spent the day with an amazing girl and amazing people.
ate vendor food.
was surrounded by rainbows and pride, and happiness.
reveled in my own unique-ness and individuality.
hugged many old friends.
screamed to my hearts content.
listened to awesome music.
got my picture taken with some fabulous "men".
walked mileeesssss.
had an italian ice.
ran around boston in the rain, in the dark.
straightened my own hair.
blew and popped bubbles.
ate when i was hungry, and what was available.
took pictures,and was okay being IN pictures.
danced just a little :).
hopped, skipped and jumped. for fun, just because i was happy.
spent time with people who upset me,without becoming upset.
stood up for myself.
stayed strong.
got my first sunburn of the summer.
helped a friend.
drove through the center of a lightening storm at midnight.
drove on the highway even though i was scared.
took a compliment.
made new friends.
held hands.kissed. loved.
loved others.
loved myself.
was confident, and happy.
Happy Youth Pride!!
i bet i forgot to write some stuff. i will most likely post a more...bloggy blog, later.
spent the day with an amazing girl and amazing people.
ate vendor food.
was surrounded by rainbows and pride, and happiness.
reveled in my own unique-ness and individuality.
hugged many old friends.
screamed to my hearts content.
listened to awesome music.
got my picture taken with some fabulous "men".
walked mileeesssss.
had an italian ice.
ran around boston in the rain, in the dark.
straightened my own hair.
blew and popped bubbles.
ate when i was hungry, and what was available.
took pictures,and was okay being IN pictures.
danced just a little :).
hopped, skipped and jumped. for fun, just because i was happy.
spent time with people who upset me,without becoming upset.
stood up for myself.
stayed strong.
got my first sunburn of the summer.
helped a friend.
drove through the center of a lightening storm at midnight.
drove on the highway even though i was scared.
took a compliment.
made new friends.
held hands.kissed. loved.
loved others.
loved myself.
was confident, and happy.
Happy Youth Pride!!
i bet i forgot to write some stuff. i will most likely post a more...bloggy blog, later.
5.09.2009
today i had to work. well, i guess since its 4 am, i mean yesterday i had to work. basic stuff, nothing fancy. cleaned the kitchen, assembled some ingredients for pizzas and cupcakes, made some calzones and some chicken parm. we rushed to weymouth around noon to deliver food for a teacher luncheon, and then stopped at hannafords to pick up last minute things for the birthday party at 6. when tara got back to the car with anna, [i stayed in the car], she brought lunch. all the sudden she hands me a turkey sandwich on this crusty roll. and im like..fuck. what the HELL am i supposed to do with this?! so i s l o w l y picked it to death. it wasnt great...i was upset about it, and miserable, because i hate that i keep being forced to eat. i didnt know what to do. it was obvious i hadnt eaten yet, so i had no excuse. so i ate it. and ruined my fast. again.
i also didnt get to go to the gym, because i didnt have a long enough break, and didnt want to drive all over because my car is shitttttt. so i had all this food in me...and no way to get it out.
we got back and i cleaned the kitchen top to bottom to get ready for the birthday party. then i went on break, and went to the mall. i got 2 shirts and a pair of jeans, and had an allergy attack. by the time i got BACK to work again, it was in full swing. sneezing every 2 minutes, red, watery eyes, nose like a faucet. fucking gross. miserable. it felt like someone was stabbing me behind the eyes with a knife, from the pressure in my head. i took some claritin, and went back to work. allergies continued, so i took some benadryl. an hour later, no relief. no benadryl. still no relief. i just dealt with it at that point.
the party we hosted was good, we taught nine 11 year old girls how to make pizza, calzones and stromboli, and sour cream cupcakes with buttercream frosting. while the pizza was cooking, they decorated the cupcakes with candy. and they ate the majority of the frosting, and the candy before it made it on the cupcakes. 11 year old girls are wild. and obnoxious. and worse when they are sugar high, let me tell you. when i took the cupcakes out, apparently i was in a bit of a benadryl stupor, because i didnt feel my arm on the over rack, and got a nice big burn. not cool. i also ate 2 cupcakes. i felt kind of sick after, truthfully, but...they did taste good. i dont feel like i lost control and binged, and i didnt purge. i wish i had not eaten any, but i did. thats normal. its normal to eat a treat sometimes, if you want it.
when i got home, i was wired from all the meds in my system. i got ready for bed, and got online for a little bit. around midnight i decided to get some rest since i had a busy day ahead of me. unfortunately, my nose was running down my face at this point, and was red and raw from blowing it so much. sleep wasnt happening. i did fall asleep around 12 30, but woke up at 3. and i have been up since. around 3 30 i started having INTENSE stomach cramps, and that led to me running into the bathroom and spending the next 15 minutes on the toilet. back to bed, and repeat. and again. maybe the cupcakes didnt agree with me? not sure. i also took another claritin and some sudafed. maybe iv overdsed on antihistamine now, and thats why im stomach is rebelling into the fucking toilet.
i cant go back to sleep. iv been up for hours now, and im SO BORED! there is nothing to do, and im going to be exhausted all day at pride, but notihng is working to get back to sleep. iv tried counting backwards, laying in different positions... my mind just wont shut off, and relax. and i have no more benadryl so i cant have a nice coma.
i also didnt get to go to the gym, because i didnt have a long enough break, and didnt want to drive all over because my car is shitttttt. so i had all this food in me...and no way to get it out.
we got back and i cleaned the kitchen top to bottom to get ready for the birthday party. then i went on break, and went to the mall. i got 2 shirts and a pair of jeans, and had an allergy attack. by the time i got BACK to work again, it was in full swing. sneezing every 2 minutes, red, watery eyes, nose like a faucet. fucking gross. miserable. it felt like someone was stabbing me behind the eyes with a knife, from the pressure in my head. i took some claritin, and went back to work. allergies continued, so i took some benadryl. an hour later, no relief. no benadryl. still no relief. i just dealt with it at that point.
the party we hosted was good, we taught nine 11 year old girls how to make pizza, calzones and stromboli, and sour cream cupcakes with buttercream frosting. while the pizza was cooking, they decorated the cupcakes with candy. and they ate the majority of the frosting, and the candy before it made it on the cupcakes. 11 year old girls are wild. and obnoxious. and worse when they are sugar high, let me tell you. when i took the cupcakes out, apparently i was in a bit of a benadryl stupor, because i didnt feel my arm on the over rack, and got a nice big burn. not cool. i also ate 2 cupcakes. i felt kind of sick after, truthfully, but...they did taste good. i dont feel like i lost control and binged, and i didnt purge. i wish i had not eaten any, but i did. thats normal. its normal to eat a treat sometimes, if you want it.
when i got home, i was wired from all the meds in my system. i got ready for bed, and got online for a little bit. around midnight i decided to get some rest since i had a busy day ahead of me. unfortunately, my nose was running down my face at this point, and was red and raw from blowing it so much. sleep wasnt happening. i did fall asleep around 12 30, but woke up at 3. and i have been up since. around 3 30 i started having INTENSE stomach cramps, and that led to me running into the bathroom and spending the next 15 minutes on the toilet. back to bed, and repeat. and again. maybe the cupcakes didnt agree with me? not sure. i also took another claritin and some sudafed. maybe iv overdsed on antihistamine now, and thats why im stomach is rebelling into the fucking toilet.
i cant go back to sleep. iv been up for hours now, and im SO BORED! there is nothing to do, and im going to be exhausted all day at pride, but notihng is working to get back to sleep. iv tried counting backwards, laying in different positions... my mind just wont shut off, and relax. and i have no more benadryl so i cant have a nice coma.
5.07.2009
its odd. i feel like a lot of people with food fears fear sweets a lot more than i do. not that i dont...i dont know.
i have been thinking a lot about my food fears. i dont know how they got to be so out of control.
i have been thinking a lot about my food fears. i dont know how they got to be so out of control.
- pasta. i am TERRIFIED of pasta.
- rice.
- bread.
- cheese.
- milk.
- red meat [although i dont eat it anymore].
- any meat besides grilled chicken, actually.
- fried food.
- any icecream other than low fat vanilla soft serve.
- any fruit other than grapes and apples.
- sugar.
- salt.
- vegetables other than carrots, red peppers and cucumbers.
- olive oil!!
- dressings, and condiments other than plain mustard, and vinegar.
- LIQUID CALORIES. any drink besides water, really. [except for maybe 1 0 cal drink mix a day]
- TOO much water, for fear of water weight.
- granola.
- any sort of nutritional "bar" type thing.
- cream.
- things with no calorie content label.
- nuts.
- potatoes.
- butter.
- food with more than 100 calories per serving.
i honetly feel as though there may be more than that...but not that i can think of now. the major ones are pasta, liquid calories and rice and cheese, i think.
i dont know. i feel like i will never eat some of these things again. its a scary thought. will i ever be able to go out to dinner and be comfortable? i used to love so many things. chicken fingers! pad thai! chinese food! i loved melons, and eggs, and so many wonderful things that i cant imagine eating now. i lvoed granola, and hummus, and cheerios with banana. i loved chocolate milk, even though it made me sick. i loved cheese and triscuts, smoothies. i loved so many HEALTHY things! but i also loved a bowl of icecream, some nutty butty bars. oatmeal cream pies, mcdonalds, french fries. i was probably eating well over 2000 calories a day. maybe 3000. that is so, SO many calories. too many. no wonder i was so big! i barely exercised. isat around on my big, fat ass, eating. all the time. and i was miserable. but i was happier, too. i went out with friends. i drank sometimes at parties. i allowed myself to have fun, instead of denying invites to party because of the calories in alcohol, the temptation to eat, the questions. saying no to hanging out because i NEED to go to the gym at a certain each day, and be home at a certain time, and get the maximum hours of working out without being rushed. or because i have such bad anxiety icant handle driving somewhere because my car is acting up and im terrified it will break and my life will be ruined. i miss the days where i could sit down in the morning and enjoy a cup of coffee with my mom, and be able to look her in the eyes. the days where i would come home and have 2 oreos and a glass of milk, be done, and think nothing of it. no need to binge, no need to stress about LETTING myself eat oreos. i miss the days where i didnt know that 1/4 a cup of raisons had 130 calories, or that 1 cup of peeled cucumber had 14. the days when a big mac wasnt 537 calories, but just a messy, DELICIOUS treat. a double cheeseburger was awesome because it was $1. icecream was the best when it had extra whipped cream to eat with a spoon, and caramel sauce and a cherry.
no that i ALWAYS ate shit like that. i just miss when i allowed myself to be...normal. when it was okay to sometimes eat shit. when if i ate like shit one day, i didnt think to myself, OMGGGGG i cant eat for a week!
the old days. the good days...but the fat days.
why am i FAILING so much?
after 2 days of fasting, i keep fucking up. i just ate a soft serve icecream [170], a handful of peanuts [???], an apple [80], 4 cucumber slices [2?], and like, 15 pieces of popcorn [8?].
then i sat down on my bed and realized i wanted tuna. so i used a knife to stab open a can, because i have no can opener, and ate that. [125]
then i guzzled water and threw up.
fml.
total- >500 for the day, and i burned way more than that at the gym and running, but thats so MUCH! in like, less than an hour. definately a mini binge.ugh. i dont know how many calories actually were absorbed. but im going to put it at 500 because i would rather exagerate an estimate.
this isnt helping me lose weight. its just fucking up my metabolism. i have been stuck between 176 and 179 for EVER. ill get down to 176 fasting, and then ill fuck up and eat. i need to STOP fasting, and pick a number and eat that everyday. like...150. i like 150 a lot lately. 150 calories a day, starting monday. because im going to finish this week like i planned if it kills me. im going to fast tomorrow. and saturday and sunday. and monday i will start on 150. i dont know what i will eat though. ill figure something out. and i will keep going to the gym everyday.
after 2 days of fasting, i keep fucking up. i just ate a soft serve icecream [170], a handful of peanuts [???], an apple [80], 4 cucumber slices [2?], and like, 15 pieces of popcorn [8?].
then i sat down on my bed and realized i wanted tuna. so i used a knife to stab open a can, because i have no can opener, and ate that. [125]
then i guzzled water and threw up.
fml.
total- >500 for the day, and i burned way more than that at the gym and running, but thats so MUCH! in like, less than an hour. definately a mini binge.ugh. i dont know how many calories actually were absorbed. but im going to put it at 500 because i would rather exagerate an estimate.
this isnt helping me lose weight. its just fucking up my metabolism. i have been stuck between 176 and 179 for EVER. ill get down to 176 fasting, and then ill fuck up and eat. i need to STOP fasting, and pick a number and eat that everyday. like...150. i like 150 a lot lately. 150 calories a day, starting monday. because im going to finish this week like i planned if it kills me. im going to fast tomorrow. and saturday and sunday. and monday i will start on 150. i dont know what i will eat though. ill figure something out. and i will keep going to the gym everyday.
i havnt felt like blogging much. well, thats not true. i have WANTED to, but havnt been able to quite get my thoughts in order. the past weekhas week a whirlwind. i decided on saturday, after gaining a few pounds, that this week was going to be dedicated to a fast, and that i would go to the gym every single day.
sunday was good. i was able to work, and rrefrain from everything, said no to lunch, and to snacks, didnt taste anything i cooked, and went to the gym for 25 min. on the elliptical, 6 miles on the bike, weights, some rowing action, and crunches galore.
monday was also good, hit up the gym for the same workout as sunday, and kept with my fast.
tuesday was where it went downhill. i ended up eating half a sandwich, some croutons, some raisons...and a carrot [p. num. 1 of the day] while at work, and then head straight to the mall after work, before the gym. when i got to the mall i was out of control, i could already feel it. i went straight to the italian bakery and got a sugar cookie. i munched that while walking through the mall, towards mcdonalds. where i proceeded to buy a ice cream cone. across from mcdonalds is a candy store, and i bought 6 gummi candies- a peach ring, a mini cola bottle, a gummi frog, a sour patch watermelon, a grapfruit triangle and and gummi strawberry. then i made a mad dash to the bathroom. i forgot how much i love throwing up icecream, as gross as that is. its so easy and...doesnt taste bad. on the way out of the mall i bought a mini white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, and then i headed to the gym. i worked out for almost 3 hours, disgusted with myself. the awful part was that i didnt even WANT to be at the gym. after i left the mall, i was in tears. i sat in my car in the parking lot thinking "this isnt life." i was miserable, breaking down, because i was tired, and hungry, and i wanted to take a nap before i had to babysit, instead of going to work out. i thought to myself, i could drive over to panera bread and get a wrap or a salad right now. then i could take a quick nap. but that didnt happen, of course, because i found myself sitting in the parking lot of the gym minutes later. after the gym i went straight to babysitting, where i ate a cracker, about half a cup of watermelon [p. num. 3 of the day] and then helped the little girl make strawberry banana smoothies. well..kind of smoothies. we used skim milk, some fat free strawberry icecream, strawberries, 1 banana, and a dash of nesquik powder. she loved it, and we topped it with whipped cream. then came purge number FOUR of the day. when i came back downstairs from the bathroom, she broke my heart. she said to me "you have been in the bathroom a lot of times, tonight." i almost cried.
wednesday i was good again. fasted. went to the gym. rocked that shit. the gym was actually kind of difficult, my legs kept buckling underneath me while i was on the elliptical. i had a splitting headache. but oh well. i also got my hair done on wednesday, got a few inches off and dyed a streak behind my ear pink. i like where it is because you cant see it well unless its up, or pulled back. its nice. fun. i needed some fun. after i got it cut i freaked outt hough. i feel like, often times i think my hair is the only special thing about me. and now...its kind along, but not SUPER long, and its not special anymore,and im doomed to be mediocre and ugly forever. i will enver turn heads, or be anything special. totally led to another breakdown.
today. fasted. went to the gym. ran for half an hour. saw beth. got confused. my car is leaking antifreeze again. i dont know why i cant catch a break. i hope itll be okay tomorrow, so i cant go to work and the gym and find something to wear for pride on saturday. im crossing my fingers, and my toes. just this once. i need a break. PLEASEEEEEE.
im planning to continues fasting through saturday, into sunday. for a full wekk, minus my one fuck up day. im down to 176 now. hopefully 175 when i wake up tomorrow.
i have to work tomorrow from 10 30 until 1, and then i have a midday break until 5, and then im back on until 9. ialso get paid, which is awesome. saturday is youthpride, and i cant wait. i think there may be some drama that will ensue, but im goingt o dismiss it, because im giognt o have a ton of fun.
sunday was good. i was able to work, and rrefrain from everything, said no to lunch, and to snacks, didnt taste anything i cooked, and went to the gym for 25 min. on the elliptical, 6 miles on the bike, weights, some rowing action, and crunches galore.
monday was also good, hit up the gym for the same workout as sunday, and kept with my fast.
tuesday was where it went downhill. i ended up eating half a sandwich, some croutons, some raisons...and a carrot [p. num. 1 of the day] while at work, and then head straight to the mall after work, before the gym. when i got to the mall i was out of control, i could already feel it. i went straight to the italian bakery and got a sugar cookie. i munched that while walking through the mall, towards mcdonalds. where i proceeded to buy a ice cream cone. across from mcdonalds is a candy store, and i bought 6 gummi candies- a peach ring, a mini cola bottle, a gummi frog, a sour patch watermelon, a grapfruit triangle and and gummi strawberry. then i made a mad dash to the bathroom. i forgot how much i love throwing up icecream, as gross as that is. its so easy and...doesnt taste bad. on the way out of the mall i bought a mini white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, and then i headed to the gym. i worked out for almost 3 hours, disgusted with myself. the awful part was that i didnt even WANT to be at the gym. after i left the mall, i was in tears. i sat in my car in the parking lot thinking "this isnt life." i was miserable, breaking down, because i was tired, and hungry, and i wanted to take a nap before i had to babysit, instead of going to work out. i thought to myself, i could drive over to panera bread and get a wrap or a salad right now. then i could take a quick nap. but that didnt happen, of course, because i found myself sitting in the parking lot of the gym minutes later. after the gym i went straight to babysitting, where i ate a cracker, about half a cup of watermelon [p. num. 3 of the day] and then helped the little girl make strawberry banana smoothies. well..kind of smoothies. we used skim milk, some fat free strawberry icecream, strawberries, 1 banana, and a dash of nesquik powder. she loved it, and we topped it with whipped cream. then came purge number FOUR of the day. when i came back downstairs from the bathroom, she broke my heart. she said to me "you have been in the bathroom a lot of times, tonight." i almost cried.
wednesday i was good again. fasted. went to the gym. rocked that shit. the gym was actually kind of difficult, my legs kept buckling underneath me while i was on the elliptical. i had a splitting headache. but oh well. i also got my hair done on wednesday, got a few inches off and dyed a streak behind my ear pink. i like where it is because you cant see it well unless its up, or pulled back. its nice. fun. i needed some fun. after i got it cut i freaked outt hough. i feel like, often times i think my hair is the only special thing about me. and now...its kind along, but not SUPER long, and its not special anymore,and im doomed to be mediocre and ugly forever. i will enver turn heads, or be anything special. totally led to another breakdown.
today. fasted. went to the gym. ran for half an hour. saw beth. got confused. my car is leaking antifreeze again. i dont know why i cant catch a break. i hope itll be okay tomorrow, so i cant go to work and the gym and find something to wear for pride on saturday. im crossing my fingers, and my toes. just this once. i need a break. PLEASEEEEEE.
im planning to continues fasting through saturday, into sunday. for a full wekk, minus my one fuck up day. im down to 176 now. hopefully 175 when i wake up tomorrow.
i have to work tomorrow from 10 30 until 1, and then i have a midday break until 5, and then im back on until 9. ialso get paid, which is awesome. saturday is youthpride, and i cant wait. i think there may be some drama that will ensue, but im goingt o dismiss it, because im giognt o have a ton of fun.
4.29.2009
starting fresh!
something about starting fresh just feels so good. even if it is just a new blog.
right down to business i suppose. today was a long, busy day. i started off the day by waking up and immediatly calling my doctor, getting an appointment for 11 30 am, hopping in the shower and running out the door. i waited for about half an hour for a 5 minute appointment, only to be told that i have double ear infections, which i already knew. got a prescription for antibiotics. i drove home in a stupor, exhausted from being up so late in pain from my ears, and crashed. i only got to sleep about 15 minutes before brittany was here to pick me up for my second appointment of the day. my consultation with the gastroenterologist. it went well, overall. the most notable thing he found was that i have a heart murmur, which is news to me, though not all too suprising.he clearly knew nothing about eating disorders, and in the end suggested i try exercising daily,that it may help me deal with the other "feelings." i wanted to laugh at this point. how to explain to a 65 year old man that i DO exercise daily, often burning far more calories than i consumed that day. he then drove my point of his lack of knowladge home by telling me he felt bulimia was "far more normal" than anorexia, and that anorexics are" sicker". okay...so let me get this straight? because im not 95 pounds, im not sick? okay. so im sitting in your office why? he made a few comments on how i seemed cold [it was 65 degrees and i was wearing a tank top, a long sleeve shirt and an oversized sweatshirt, with jeans. and i was FREEZING. my hands were purple and ice cold.] and did i get cold "often?" he aske dme if i had lost a lot of weight recently, and how much, over what time period, and did i think the bulimia had to do with it? i told him the weight loss wasnt from the purging, it was from the fact that i purge everything i eat usually, which is significantly under a normalamount of food.he still didnt get it, i think he is under the impression that im throwing up involentarily, as well as the bulimia.silly old men. i left with another appointment for a upper endoscopy on may 18th.
on the way home, brittany stopped at mcdonalds, and while she gorged on chicken selects and fries, i munched a side salad, which was lettuce, 2 cherry tomatoes and some carrot shavings. to be on the safe side i would put it as [total-65]
i did manage to go grocery shopping, and spent my usual hour walking up and down the aisles, checking nutritional information, picking up and putting down. managed to avoid buying binge food [hooray!] and left with only what i intended to buy.
these are the goods-
what yummy treats did i buy?
a bottle of water, one of my new yummy yogurts, and 2 cut up grapes mixed in, with my antibiotic on the side! the picture isnt great, [im new to this pictures of food thing!] but the snack was YUMMMMMMY! i also had half a cup of my air popped popcorn, but frankly the photo didnt come out well at all!
[total- 60 cals.]
right down to business i suppose. today was a long, busy day. i started off the day by waking up and immediatly calling my doctor, getting an appointment for 11 30 am, hopping in the shower and running out the door. i waited for about half an hour for a 5 minute appointment, only to be told that i have double ear infections, which i already knew. got a prescription for antibiotics. i drove home in a stupor, exhausted from being up so late in pain from my ears, and crashed. i only got to sleep about 15 minutes before brittany was here to pick me up for my second appointment of the day. my consultation with the gastroenterologist. it went well, overall. the most notable thing he found was that i have a heart murmur, which is news to me, though not all too suprising.he clearly knew nothing about eating disorders, and in the end suggested i try exercising daily,that it may help me deal with the other "feelings." i wanted to laugh at this point. how to explain to a 65 year old man that i DO exercise daily, often burning far more calories than i consumed that day. he then drove my point of his lack of knowladge home by telling me he felt bulimia was "far more normal" than anorexia, and that anorexics are" sicker". okay...so let me get this straight? because im not 95 pounds, im not sick? okay. so im sitting in your office why? he made a few comments on how i seemed cold [it was 65 degrees and i was wearing a tank top, a long sleeve shirt and an oversized sweatshirt, with jeans. and i was FREEZING. my hands were purple and ice cold.] and did i get cold "often?" he aske dme if i had lost a lot of weight recently, and how much, over what time period, and did i think the bulimia had to do with it? i told him the weight loss wasnt from the purging, it was from the fact that i purge everything i eat usually, which is significantly under a normalamount of food.he still didnt get it, i think he is under the impression that im throwing up involentarily, as well as the bulimia.silly old men. i left with another appointment for a upper endoscopy on may 18th.
on the way home, brittany stopped at mcdonalds, and while she gorged on chicken selects and fries, i munched a side salad, which was lettuce, 2 cherry tomatoes and some carrot shavings. to be on the safe side i would put it as [total-65]
i did manage to go grocery shopping, and spent my usual hour walking up and down the aisles, checking nutritional information, picking up and putting down. managed to avoid buying binge food [hooray!] and left with only what i intended to buy.
these are the goods-
what yummy treats did i buy?
- Dannon lite and fit yogurt- vanilla flavored, and only 45 cals. each. [i usually dont even like yogurt, but iv been craving it, its filling, and its low cal. as well as low fat. i sure was happy to see "no sugar added"! i put 2 in the fridge, and 2 in the freezer for some yummy frozen yogurt!
- Organic Red Delicious apples.
- a big, shiny Red Bell Pepper!
- a Cucumber [of course!]
- Grapes! popped those babies right in the freezer when i got home!
- boring old Iceburg Lettuce.
- Lite Air Popped Popcorn! i just can not get enough of this stuff! at 22 cals. a cups, its a perfect snack!
after i went grocery shopping i ate up some popcorn [total- 60] and then i hit up the gym for a good 2 1/2 hour workout. when i got there, my usual routine was unexpectedly changed by the fact that there were no exercise bikes open! oh no! i told my OCD to take a back seat, and hopped on the elliptical for 25 minutes, burning 100 calories. a bike opened up while i was jamming out to some A*Teens, and i was able to cycle to my hearts content, which was acheived half an episode of "Mystery Diagnosis", 6 miles, and 217 calories later. I then hit the weights, which is both my favorite, and most dreaded time at the gym. i love feeling all my muscles being worked, but i hate how out of control i get. the second i hit those machines, i can not get enough. i do rep after rep, never feeling like im done, never feeling fully satisfied with my workout. ah well. after doing my usual weight routine, [which involves making a stop at each machine to work my legs, abs, back and sides, as well as a few to work my upper arms [i try to do less weight training on my arms, because i feel they are getting too bulky, so i now do 3 different machines, more reps at less weight. instead of going all out]], i finished up doing floor exercises. 200 crunches, switching positions every 25, some stretches, and some leg lifts. overall i feel okay about my workout today, but im not sore...so i feel like i could have done more. it was getting late though, i didnt get home until past 9, and my ears were starting to hurt again.
i came home, tidied up the apartment, changed into my jammies and put away my groceries. then i had this yummy snack-
a bottle of water, one of my new yummy yogurts, and 2 cut up grapes mixed in, with my antibiotic on the side! the picture isnt great, [im new to this pictures of food thing!] but the snack was YUMMMMMMY! i also had half a cup of my air popped popcorn, but frankly the photo didnt come out well at all!
[total- 60 cals.]
i video chatted with jess for awhile while eating my snack. it really just made me miss her more. seeing her expressions, her scrunchy nose face. i kept wanting to blow her kisses and tell her i love her.
something new and scary happened today. actually while i was at the doctor. if your easily grossed out, stop reading now!!! but anyway...i normally have a very hard time ...ya know, going. to the ahem, bathroom. maybe one a week if im super lucky. and that one time takes some serious friggin effort. but today there was a huge streak of BLOOD...in my...business. nothing hurt, and there was no blood onthe toilet paper, meaning the blood came from inside, not outside. which scares the SHIT out of me.
no pun intended.
now it is almost midnight and i am getting slleeeeeppyyy! thank goodness idont have to work until noon tomorrow.
off to catch some z's!
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