its odd. i feel like a lot of people with food fears fear sweets a lot more than i do. not that i dont...i dont know.

i have been thinking a lot about my food fears. i dont know how they got to be so out of control.

1. pasta. i am TERRIFIED of pasta.
2. rice.
3. bread.
4. cheese.
5. milk.
6. red meat [although i dont eat it anymore].
7. any meat besides grilled chicken, actually.
8. fried food.
9. any icecream other than low fat vanilla soft serve.
10. any fruit other than grapes and apples.
11. sugar.
12. salt.
13. vegetables other than carrots, red peppers and cucumbers.
14. olive oil!!
15. dressings, and condiments other than plain mustard, and vinegar.
16. LIQUID CALORIES. any drink besides water, really. [except for maybe 1 0 cal drink mix a day]
17. TOO much water, for fear of water weight.
18. granola.
19. any sort of nutritional "bar" type thing.
20. cream.
21. things with no calorie content label.
22. nuts.
23. potatoes.
24. butter.
25. food with more than 100 calories per serving.

i honetly feel as though there may be more than that...but not that i can think of now. the major ones are pasta, liquid calories and rice and cheese, i think.

i dont know. i feel like i will never eat some of these things again. its a scary thought. will i ever be able to go out to dinner and be comfortable? i used to love so many things. chicken fingers! pad thai! chinese food! i loved melons, and eggs, and so many wonderful things that i cant imagine eating now. i lvoed granola, and hummus, and cheerios with banana. i loved chocolate milk, even though it made me sick. i loved cheese and triscuts, smoothies. i loved so many HEALTHY things! but i also loved a bowl of icecream, some nutty butty bars. oatmeal cream pies, mcdonalds, french fries. i was probably eating well over 2000 calories a day. maybe 3000. that is so, SO many calories. too many. no wonder i was so big! i barely exercised. isat around on my big, fat ass, eating. all the time. and i was miserable. but i was happier, too. i went out with friends. i drank sometimes at parties. i allowed myself to have fun, instead of denying invites to party because of the calories in alcohol, the temptation to eat, the questions. saying no to hanging out because i NEED to go to the gym at a certain each day, and be home at a certain time, and get the maximum hours of working out without being rushed. or because i have such bad anxiety icant handle driving somewhere because my car is acting up and im terrified it will break and my life will be ruined. i miss the days where i could sit down in the morning and enjoy a cup of coffee with my mom, and be able to look her in the eyes. the days where i would come home and have 2 oreos and a glass of milk, be done, and think nothing of it. no need to binge, no need to stress about LETTING myself eat oreos. i miss the days where i didnt know that 1/4 a cup of raisons had 130 calories, or that 1 cup of peeled cucumber had 14. the days when a big mac wasnt 537 calories, but just a messy, DELICIOUS treat. a double cheeseburger was awesome because it was $1. icecream was the best when it had extra whipped cream to eat with a spoon, and caramel sauce and a cherry.

no that i ALWAYS ate shit like that. i just miss when i allowed myself to be...normal. when it was okay to sometimes eat shit. when if i ate like shit one day, i didnt think to myself, OMGGGGG i cant eat for a week!

the old days. the good days...but the fat days.