i havnt felt like blogging much. well, thats not true. i have WANTED to, but havnt been able to quite get my thoughts in order. the past weekhas week a whirlwind. i decided on saturday, after gaining a few pounds, that this week was going to be dedicated to a fast, and that i would go to the gym every single day.

sunday was good. i was able to work, and rrefrain from everything, said no to lunch, and to snacks, didnt taste anything i cooked, and went to the gym for 25 min. on the elliptical, 6 miles on the bike, weights, some rowing action, and crunches galore.

monday was also good, hit up the gym for the same workout as sunday, and kept with my fast.

tuesday was where it went downhill. i ended up eating half a sandwich, some croutons, some raisons...and a carrot [p. num. 1 of the day] while at work, and then head straight to the mall after work, before the gym. when i got to the mall i was out of control, i could already feel it. i went straight to the italian bakery and got a sugar cookie. i munched that while walking through the mall, towards mcdonalds. where i proceeded to buy a ice cream cone. across from mcdonalds is a candy store, and i bought 6 gummi candies- a peach ring, a mini cola bottle, a gummi frog, a sour patch watermelon, a grapfruit triangle and and gummi strawberry. then i made a mad dash to the bathroom. i forgot how much i love throwing up icecream, as gross as that is. its so easy and...doesnt taste bad. on the way out of the mall i bought a mini white chocolate macadamia nut cookie, and then i headed to the gym. i worked out for almost 3 hours, disgusted with myself. the awful part was that i didnt even WANT to be at the gym. after i left the mall, i was in tears. i sat in my car in the parking lot thinking "this isnt life." i was miserable, breaking down, because i was tired, and hungry, and i wanted to take a nap before i had to babysit, instead of going to work out. i thought to myself, i could drive over to panera bread and get a wrap or a salad right now. then i could take a quick nap. but that didnt happen, of course, because i found myself sitting in the parking lot of the gym minutes later. after the gym i went straight to babysitting, where i ate a cracker, about half a cup of watermelon [p. num. 3 of the day] and then helped the little girl make strawberry banana smoothies. well..kind of smoothies. we used skim milk, some fat free strawberry icecream, strawberries, 1 banana, and a dash of nesquik powder. she loved it, and we topped it with whipped cream. then came purge number FOUR of the day. when i came back downstairs from the bathroom, she broke my heart. she said to me "you have been in the bathroom a lot of times, tonight." i almost cried.

wednesday i was good again. fasted. went to the gym. rocked that shit. the gym was actually kind of difficult, my legs kept buckling underneath me while i was on the elliptical. i had a splitting headache. but oh well. i also got my hair done on wednesday, got a few inches off and dyed a streak behind my ear pink. i like where it is because you cant see it well unless its up, or pulled back. its nice. fun. i needed some fun. after i got it cut i freaked outt hough. i feel like, often times i think my hair is the only special thing about me. and now...its kind along, but not SUPER long, and its not special anymore,and im doomed to be mediocre and ugly forever. i will enver turn heads, or be anything special. totally led to another breakdown.

today. fasted. went to the gym. ran for half an hour. saw beth. got confused. my car is leaking antifreeze again. i dont know why i cant catch a break. i hope itll be okay tomorrow, so i cant go to work and the gym and find something to wear for pride on saturday. im crossing my fingers, and my toes. just this once. i need a break. PLEASEEEEEE.

im planning to continues fasting through saturday, into sunday. for a full wekk, minus my one fuck up day. im down to 176 now. hopefully 175 when i wake up tomorrow.

i have to work tomorrow from 10 30 until 1, and then i have a midday break until 5, and then im back on until 9. ialso get paid, which is awesome. saturday is youthpride, and i cant wait. i think there may be some drama that will ensue, but im goingt o dismiss it, because im giognt o have a ton of fun.