i worked today, and felt likei kept my eating pretty much under control. after work i went to see jess. but on the way, the monster took hold. i could only think about stuffing my face. i went to mcdonalds and got an icecream cone. threw up in michaels. ah well.

i had a wonderful time with jess, though. i miss her a lot last night. lately, i just want to hold her. i miss when we had enough time to lay and relax and hold eachother. now its all so rushed and secretive.

after seeing her, i went to the gym. lately i have been tearing up while working out. i know its an emotional thing for me, but like, seriously?! who cries at the GYM! my headphones wouldnt work, so i couldnt listen to music, which i didnt find out until i had gotten on the elliptical. i was really upset. i cant do that machine without music. so i opted to compensate the calories i would have burned on the elliptical, with extra miles on the bike. after that i ran on the treadmill, and then used the stairmaster for the first time. i think im in LOVE. that thing burns calories like no one's business! i did weights, as usual...and ended with my usual crunches and some stretching. nothing majorly exciting. i feel so shittyabout myself when i am at the gym, though. like no matter how hard i work out, i wont get thinner. its frustrating. when i walk back into the locker room i always look in the mirror as i pass, and i almost always cry. i cant even stand to look at myself. i wonder if the other people at the gym think im fat, too.

after the gym i headed to sshagly. i got annoyed with licia, and i left. i also partly left because all i could think about was food. once something gets in my head, its all over. i drove like a maniac to friendlys, trying to talk myself out of it the entire way. i ended up buying a soft serve vanilla cone, with chocolate jimmies. im going to have to ban vanilla soft serve from my life. its quickly becoming a binge food. i ate it driving home, and almost crashed into a few telephone poles because i wasnt paying attention. somehow i ended up at 7 11, and i bought a cinnamon bun, an oatmeal cream pie, and vanilla icecream with strawberry sauce in it. when i was paying, i was thinking to myself, "i wonder if this girl knows. i wonder if she can tell that im twitching in anticipation of eating this stuff." the food didnt even make it until i got home. i wolfed it all down while i was driving, finished the icecream in the car, chugged some water and ran straight for the bathroom upon arriving.

it was my first real "binge" in like...over a month.

i feel disgusting. i dont know where the girl who had the strength to starve for days on end went. she needs to come back, before i get even bigger.

i feel so out of control with my eating lately. i feel like im putting on this act, like everything is better than it is. like, "oh, yeah,l i eat bagels now!!!" when in reality, yeah, i eat the bagel, but i OBSESS over eating it. i go back and look at it, pick it to death, eat it in pieces. and then i obsess over eating more food. every bite, every meal, every snack, turns into this out of control spiral of eating. eat a bite, sit down. obsessobsessobsess, eat a bite, sit down. for hours. its miserable. it cant be normal to spend this much time thinking about food. i want to be able to eat half a bagel, and be fine leaving it. or eating a whole one, if i WANT to. right now i either have to avoid it, or i eat the whole thing, even if im feeling sick. theres no middle ground.

fuck eating. im going back to how it was before. when i was losing weight.

its strange, because i know people have been talking. and i know what they are saying, but i cant see it at all. when i look in the mirror, i look exactly the same as before. bigger, even, sometimes. and yet, im hearing, "your wasting away.", "your SOOO skinny now!!!", "shes wasting away to nothing, she looks so different."

im happy to hear it, in a way, too. because i WANT to waste away to nothing. i WANT to be skinny. but id be much happier if i could see it. in my head i think that maybe they just think im skinny now because i was so FAT before.

in a random sidenote, i offered to cook my mum dinner for mother's day. i was sick on mother's day, so we decided to do it wednesday instead. well, wednesday is tomorrow. and im freaking out. im wondering if i was in a fit of temporary insanity when i offered to cook dinner. because now i amgoing to have to stay and eat it. and nothing i want to make for her for dinner is something i myself am comfortable eating. i dont think i can get out of it, though.

im so wrapped up in how out of control everything is. im so overwhelmed. so lost. so anxious. i want to write, but i just cant get the words out.