today was awful.

i dont even know how many times i threw up today. pretty much every single thing i ate. maybe...8 or so times? ridiculous. out of control day.

im dizzy. my allergies are really, really bad right now. or i have one brutal cold. i cant stop sneezing. my nose is a river. alternating with being so stuffed i cant blow it or breathe. my eyes are runny. i have like, 3 canker sores. my throat is swollenand hurt like a bitch. which may or may not have anything to do with being sick. my ears are hurting again.

my burn is infected.

im just so tired.

im drained. im crying with those body shaking, hair pulling, mind numbing sobs. the kind where you just want to fly off the handle and flail. because you just hurt so badly.


i feel like im not sick enough to get help. but i know that even if i didnt think that, i wouldnt anyway. i know i wont be ready to think about that until i hit my goal weight. because then maybe i wont get as fat in the end. if i gained weight now id be FUCKED. but somedays...somedays i do feel ready. ready to give all this up and face it head on. face the inital pain and difficulties for happiness in the long run. but then i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. or i step on the scale. and i cry. and i cant do it.
im sick to death of going to the gym for hours and feeling like its not enough. each time i go i up my routine a little more. because i always leave feeling fat. and i think, if i can just ride that extra mile, run that extra 10 minutes, maybe today will be the day i dont cry in the locker room. but its never enough. ever.i always feel like i need to do more. that other people are doing more than me. i dont even LIKE it anymore. i hate it. i dread it. not because its too much to handle physically, really, but because emotionally its just so draining. i look at myself the whole time i am there. checking to make sure my thighs arent touching, seeing how far out my stomach is sticking. its exhausting. somedays i dont WANT to go to the gym. but i end up there anyway. sometimes im tired.sometimes id like to take a nap, or go out with friends. today after working all day i was planning on going to the gym. instead i went to a movie with a friend. and it was such a good time. i laughed and laughed. but i feel so fat. like, how DARE i skip the gym?!

i dont understand how i can go to the gym EVERY DAY for HOURS on end, and not get thin. i dont get it. its not FAIR. thats all it comes down to lately. its just not fair. im getting so frustrated, because its not going fast enough. i just want to be beautiful. nothing i am doing is enough. i want to not hate myself. i want to not be repulsed by myself. i hate what i see in the mirror. i hate what i feel when i touch my body. i hate what i see when i look down. i cant walk by a mirror without body checking. i compare my bodywith other people all day long, no matter where i go. i feel so afraid that when someone sees me eating the yare thinking im a lard ass, how dare i eat that.

im so worn out. i want to throw in the towel and give up. but i want to feel bones. i cant give up. i just cant.

im sick and tired of not being strong. of being weak. of stuffing my face and binging. it erases all of my restricting. i clrealy dont work out enough. nothing is good enough. im so weak.


i have been having nightmares lately, about eating. i wake up not knowing what is real, terrfied that ireally DID eat the food in real life. i had one dream where i ate vanilla cream filled cookies, "Cameos" i think they are called. i can see the blue package in my mind. and when i woke up, i was so upset because i really could NOT differentiate the dream from reality. i almost went to try to make myself throw up, just to be sure.

all i SEE is fat. all i FEEL is fat. i hate it

i hate it.
its making me go psychotic. i stay up at night thinking of ways to get it off. of how i can cut it off of me.
i want it off.
if i got myself in check and got skinny id fucking feel better.

i just want to look in the mirror and like what i see. i want to feel beautiful. i want to love myself. i want to feel worthy of someone loving me.